An open letter to all girls:

Dear girls of this society,

 I would just like to say… that I am so so sorry. I’m sorry for all the lies you have been told by this world. I’m sorry for all the hurt that you have experienced. I’m sorry that life has pushed you to a point of utter confusion. I think so much of this confusion comes from girls not recognizing where their true worth actually comes from. We were not made to be scared, dependent, broken or unhappy little weak creatures. We were made to be bold, joyful, strong, beautiful, and whole. We must recognize where our true worth comes from to become all that we were made to be.

               First, we have to realize that our worth does not come from things. I know this sounds obvious to most. But just take a second and think about a few things. How much does your mood change depending on if you like an outfit you put on in the morning or not? Personally, I get frustrated at my morning self’s pick of an outfit when I’m groggily picking something out to wear before my 8:15 class. Does that happen to you? Do you ever define yourself by your style? Do you classify yourself by abstract things like “writer”, “emotional”, “wild”, or anything like that? We think we are what we look like or we are what we act like. We think that defines us. We think if we didn’t have a cell phone, no one would be able to find us, so no one would ever talk to us, so no one would love us, so therefore we will die old maids and will not be worth anything to anybody. Yep, I know you have at least subconsciously had those thoughts if you’ve ever had a broken phone. Things are easy to fill our lives with, the simplest to let define us. But we need to stand above all that. We need to detach ourselves from the physical objects, at least emotionally. And from the abstract things? As cliché as it sounds, don’t let the words of others (or in some cases, the words coming from yourself) make you feel inferior or superior. If your feelings of worth in this life change based on what other people say about you then you’re never going to be content with yourself. I know a secret that every girl needs to know: Your worth stays the same, regardless of the clothes that you choose to put on that day or the daily opinions of others.

Secondly, your worth does not come from other people. We all know that girls tend to bounce from one friendship or relationship to the next, especially when they have been hurt. We do this in the hope that at some point the emptiness will be filled by another person.  Well, as many broken girls can tell you, that isn’t much of a solution. We do this even if we haven’t been hurt too. We run to tell our stories to our friends and can’t make decisions without others' input. But the more we seek fulfillment in other people, the more we realize how broken others are and how we need to be seeking something outside this crazy world to fill our longing hearts. This doesn’t just apply in the extremes in life either. It goes for the girls that make their best friends their everything. As much as we desperately need community with other strong girls, there are some things that should be saved for our daily conversations in the chapel. We need to rise up and recognize that to be whole we need a healthy dose of independence from other people. Occasionally, it’s good to try something new, without the same group of people you always do things with. And don’t fall into the female jealousy trap. When others do things without you, it usually is not meant to be a slap in the face. It is our scared little girl that is left in our hearts that makes us hate when we feel left out. But actually, sometimes being left out is a beautiful occurrence that lets people recognize that depending on people is not the way to live a healthy life. Sometimes being slighted by other people is a good thing for us, a blessing almost. And as I stated earlier, girls tend to make decisions based on others. Having a few good friends who you trust is beautiful. Not being able to make decisions on your own or not being able to go places by yourself though… is a distortion. We need community, yes. But overly abundant attachment to anyone is a good way to fall, headfirst, in the wrong direction.

So where does true worth come from then? We don’t get it from things; we don’t get it from people. We get it from God. He made us. We are His princesses. We need to dive into His love to become what we were made to be.  If we stop clinging to the objects and people in our lives so tightly, our hands will be empty to be filled with the hands of the Savior. When we rest in Him, he guides us in everything. He listens to every hurt better than any human. He fills every void better than every relationship. He brings more joy than any Instagram picture on your cell ever could. He gives us our worth and is crying out for every one of His beautiful daughters to turn back to Him to find out what true happiness is. We can only learn this if we stop holding on so tightly to the broken things of this world and go running back into the arms of the one who longs to bring our hearts joy.

Blessings,

~Paula

Sparrow

Sparrow, fly out into the open

Sparrow, you have new life to find

Don’t hide your heart

The maker sees and knows

The world you wish to fly to

The hope that everything will rise

Sparrow, the blue skies call

Sparrow, the girl can see you

Fly higher just to show your beauty

The maker gave it to you

Don’t leave without a grateful thought

Sparrow, you don’t need to cry

There are things that break others

But you still fly on and better

Knowing the maker cares

Knowing the maker cares.

Time is a crazy thing

So just so you know, the best time to write a blog post is when you have a paper due in a few hours... at least that's what my brain thinks. :)
Woooo for procrastination! (Haaha ironic because of this blog topic...) Anyways, let's talk about summer and time, shall we?
At first, the hundreds of hours that we have in our freed-from-school lives seems like they could go on forever. But as we all know, time never quite works the way we want it to. For example, the last time I wrote on this blog was longer than a month ago...on one hand it seems like 10 years ago and on the other hand it legitimately feels like yesterday when I wrote that last post. I know you've all had experiences like that.
Time is always weird and always relative.
Summer just makes it 10 times worse because all the time available is less structured. And even if you have a super tightly structured job to get to everyday, you still have free time that you don't have to spend writing a paper or studying like you do in the school year when you're done with work. (Unless you're me and thought it was a good idea to take Philosophy over the summer for some unknown reason... )

What do YOU do with your free time?
It's almost dangerous.
I'm starting to realize that the days that I sit around watching Netflix are not only not helping me grow in any way, that time wasted is actually making me go backwards. Time is so so very precious and if we let time slip through our fingers mindlessly we're missing out on so many opportunities, so many chance to grow, and so many openings for learning. I've noticed the days I've take advantage of the time available to me in Godly, productive ways have been some of the most content days I've had this summer. I definitely feel growth when I use that extra 20 minutes to read the Bible or pray the rosary instead of staring at Pinterest like a zombie. And when I stare at Pinterest for that 20 minutes...well I definitely do feel like an empty zombie, and I definitely don't feel like I'm becoming the woman God wants me to be.

I'm not saying we shouldn't take advantages of all the amusing activities we have available to us now to relax and have simple fun...but we shouldn't let our weeks go without a second thought of where our time goes. If we waste the gift of time this summer, we shouldn't be surprised when we're less of the person we wanted to be by the time the new school year starts. We should learn to take advantage of this time to grow...in a strange way the summers between college semesters are just, if not more, as important as the semesters themselves. Most of us aren't taking classes for our majors over the summer, you're right. But we are coming home to the people we love who we have to get readjusted to. We have to re-learn how to listen to our parents wishes in a gracious and grown-up way. We have to learn to use our time even MORE wisely because we have so much more time available to us. (One can only hope we all can learn to use our time more wisely than freshman... let me tell you, I think pretty much anyone could be wiser than  I was last year about time management.) We have to work. We have to make sure we're making Christ the center of everything, and doing what He wants for us over this break from school (and sometimes it's a  chance to have a break from the real world too before we graduate... but that doesn't mean a break from God's wishes). It's hard to use our time in the right way. It's hard to not go to either extreme: lying in bed all day versus guilt tripping anyone who doesn't get to daily mass.  We all have different battles to face this summer. But if you remember anything, remember that we only get a certain amount of time on this earth...and I bet that on your deathbed you're not going to say how much you wished you spent more time online... you're going to wish you had lived life to the fullest. And hopefully you and I will be able to say we did.  It's gonna take effort, but it's going to be worth it. Promise.
Now...excuse me as I go attempt to write that paper. Philosophy papers should be good for growing into the person I was made to be, right? That's what I keep telling myself. ;)

I hope you all have amazing summers.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." ~ John 10:10

"When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity." ~Albert Einstein



Blessings,
~Paula(:

People.

Wow... My first year at college has officially come and gone...And my, what a wild ride it has been. I don't really remember what exactly I expected from college... But I know it was everything and nothing like what I thought all at the same time. I laughed. I cried. I did smart things. I did some pretty dumb things. I learned. I wrote a few papers. I made some amazing friends. I had amazing, silly nights along with the terribly depressing nights. I learned a lot about myself, other people, and...God. I'm so grateful for everything that happened over those 8 months, as crazy of a roller coaster ride as it was, I know it was exactly what God had in mind.

What I really wanted to talk about today though was something I've gotten to know about myself  recently. I never really realized this, but the closer you strive to be with God, the closer you see yourself in complete vulnerability and honesty.  I've been trying to move closer to Him and He's been letting me know all the thoughts in my head that have hurt my relationship with Him and all my friendships in general.

 For quite some time (starting before college), I would constantly make the joke that "I don't like people", even at the expense of saying it to some of my closest friends. They always assumed I was joking, and for a while I guess I did too. But the more I said it, the more it became a reality in my head. "Ugh, have to deal with another person today....I hate people." This pretty much became my altogether unhealthy mantra. 

...Which was probably not the best train of though to bring to college with you... But bring it I did.

But it didn't make sense because I loved the people I met, I loved the new friends I was gaining. But any time there was conflict...back I went to: "My life would be simpler if people weren't around." 

So 8 months went by...flash forward to the night I was leaving campus to go home for the summer. ('bout 2 weeks ago) A bunch of my friends from school came to say goodbye to me. And darn it all, wouldn't you know? I started sobbing as I was saying goodbye to them, because I think I had finally allowed myself to realize how important these people really were to me and I was going to miss them bunches. 

But what kept me from just acknowledging that fact in the first place? Quite a few things I think... probably a few thoughts thrown at me by the devil started it and my own emotions stirred it on.

First, I had decided that I am an introvert and introverts do not like people, therefore I could not like people.

Now, I'm actually at a point in my 18 year old life where I'm not entirely sure whether or not I'm an introvert or an extrovert. This has caused a massive mid-life crisis, but that's for another blog post. ;) But regardless, I'm still not entirely sure that I'm an introvert any more. And further more, introverts do not hate people, they just need alone time. So that was one excuse for me disliking people down the drain.

Another faulty argument of mine was that life would be easier if there were no other people. False. Because. Um. If there were no other people but me, there'd be nothing happening on Earth at all.. God put people on this earth for a reason. We need community. It may be hard to deal with people sometimes, but it'd be even harder to single-handedly fight off temptations without the love and support of our brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Finally... I think I allowed myself to believe I didn't like people because I was scared of getting hurt. If we don't like anything that likes us back, we'll be fine... right? If we never like a single human being, we'll be grand. We'll sit in our little hermitages and live solitary lives and nothing will ever hurt and everything will be just dandy. Who needs friends?!?!

What a sad little argument that my brain could come up with, but that was what I joked that I wished I could do sometimes. I didn't want to do it for any pious reason, mind you. I just... wanted to escape the world and all the hurts that people bring with them. 

But being alive means we're going to get hurt. It's a fact. Whether we're a cloistered nun or a mother of 12 we're all going to experience pain that comes because of other human beings. But you know what? That's ok. Because the pain is inevitable, yes. But do you know what else is inevitable? The joy that being with other human beings brings. The laughter that we share. The pain you can take from a friend by being there with them in times of need or when they do the same for you. The simple joys of knowing someone cares. The people who surround you who make you better people, who make you better lovers of God. 

Humans are the masterpieces of God. As much as we don't realize this, people are even more amazing than something like the seven wonders of the world could ever be. I learned 50 bajillion lessons from college this past year (academic and mostly otherwise :p). But I think one of the biggest lessons that God wanted to show me was that He made people and He made them "very good" and we are not supposed to take that for granted. Other people are not to be scoffed at or have their disappearance hoped for because they have faults. I have faults too. We're all broken. But when we're following our Creator, we can learn to see what God sees when He looks at us. He knows that we are not meant to cry out over and over again how much we dislike his beautiful creation.  He knows how much we need others in our lives, that's why they're here with us, after all--fighting the same battle, on the same side.

So to sum up this whole post... ---And for the record this is taking tons of courage to finally make this confession... ;)
 butttttt:

Dear world, 

I LIKE PEOPLE!  <3

Blessings,

~Paula(:

"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Les Mis

It never really crossed my mind that pain could be so loud. Heartache shouts in the silence. The only real way to find consolation is to look into the face of Jesus on the cross.  He did that so you could one day be free from every ounce of suffering you are going through. Do not let pain define who you are. It might change you, it might teach you, it might mold you, but it should never define who you are. If you let pain define you, the devil has won.The battle is over. Because when pain is your core, and you allow it to overcome you, your heart is locked in a neat little padlocked case. There is no love to be shared or received, which is the fullness of life. If pain defines you, you are not truly living. You must become vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis says. Your heart might be battered and bruised after a time, but there is a Master healer of hearts. Allow pain to come and go, but recognize what it is. It is a stepping stone to becoming who you are. The only real way to discover this however, is to let love be your core. Let love be your essence.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ~ C.S. Lewis

"...He learned obedience through what He suffered." Hebrews 5:8


Blessings,
~Paula

Vivere L'amore

Vivere L’amore.

 These words are written on the inside of my forearm at the moment…in pen.  That’s as close as I’ll ever get to a real tattoo. But even though I would never allow myself to ink it permanently on the outside, I’m working on allowing it to be permanently etched on my heart. “Live love” Not just, “Live and love” But live love, make it one and the same action. Make love your whole freaking being. I’m not trying to be just your little old hippy hipster living down the street right now. I just…wish I could live up to God’s call for my life, and I have to constantly remind myself because I always fall short.

Everything we are was meant to be given to God and to others. Our joy should come from serving, and opening our hearts to help take the pain away from the suffering. We all think our lives are so horrible and God is awful, and hiding His face from us. But maybe the reason we don’t feel God’s presence when we suffer is because we are so wrapped up in ourselves that our souls have no room to allow God in.

 I know that sounds cold. I know people who suffered more than I have in my life might scoff. But in the midst of suffering, if we can look outside ourselves and offer everything we have to others who are hurting, there will be no time to focus on our hurting. The only thing we will feel is joy because we know we are helping those in desperate need. We are loving; We will be living love.

Blessings,

Vivere l’amore,

~Paula(:

Life.

It's complicated, it's dramatic, it's annoying, it's amazing, it's crazy.
Why do we put up with all of it?
Because nothing is quite so wonderful.
Even with all the pain and the hurting and the frustration, it's a beautiful thing just to be alive.

Make sure you don't live it in the "yolo" way though. Don't do idiotic things because you only live once. That makes absolutely no sense. Instead, do beautiful things, do genius things, do creative things, do silly things, do things for other people and forget about yourself. Make the most of everything you have because God gave us every second of every day. It's all a gift: not just the interesting moments, or the deep moments, or the super exciting moments. God is in the small daily tasks, the smile you get from a stranger, and the painful moment when you realize you have to stay up til 3am to finish a biology lab report.

Stop worrying about the boring days. Stop worrying about the grades. Stop worrying about stupid boys. Just trust that God gave you life on this beautiful planet for a reason. He wants you to find the truth in every moment, and live it for Him for always. <3

Happiness

                    It occurred to me this morning, after waking up on the wrong side of the bed, that I was not happy in the slightest.
                 
                   I'm a newly appointed member in the club of college freshman, and it has been one of the most up and down months of my entire life. I thought my moods could already change at the drop of the hat, being the emotional 18 year old girl that I am. But oh my word, I definitely had never experienced real mood swings til I stepped foot on this campus. I was absolutely ecstatic when I first got here. I was free. I was meeting kind people. I had new adventures to go on, and time to really learn how I deal with new things.  After the first crazy week of orientation though, school started. I had almost forgot college involved school. Tedious, grueling school. I'm not sure how it is at some colleges, but at mine, the workload has not let up for a second. It really set me off last week. Meltdowns were occurring left and right (for others too, not just me).  This week however, I had sort of acquired an apathetic nature toward the whole ordeal. Towards new friends, towards new interests (romantic, extracurricular, and whatever else goes on in the lives of freshies), and toward the Bs I've been getting (for a girl who's never gotten a B in a class in her life, getting Bs on all of the first few assignments has been a huge smack in the face, but I'm working on letting it be in the past.)

                       This morning when I woke though, I was a huge mess. I was grumpy. I was exhausted, and I was overwhelmed with the fact that my friendships, my grades, my crushes, my hopes, my dreams, all seemed to still be mysteries to me and I was left feeling helpless and frustrated. So all day I clammed up, not letting other people in, and certainly not listening to what other people needed. Finally my friend asked if I was alright, and I admitted that I wasn't. We were in the middle of the cafeteria though so when she asked what was wrong, I didn't feel like answering. I'm not even sure I could articulate what was wrong, because what was wrong was...well, everything.
                   Or at least, that was the thought I let myself employ in my head. But I got back to my dorm, started listening to music, worked on some school so I didn't have to feel totally unproductive, and drank coffee. Suddenly my eyes were opened. (It was either the Holy Spirit or the coffee, I'll let you be the judge.) Well, as open as they can be this side of Heaven. I've allowed the circumstances around me to dictate my mood. I've allowed them to creep into the depths of my heart and control me, instead of the other way around. I have become a slave to my situations and emotions. I haven't yet come to realize that boys who don't like me and a B on a quiz does not change the fact that I was made for a beautiful purpose. To love and be loved by God.
           This day I pray that God allows me to learn how to take the frustrating situations and annoyances of every day life, and deal with them in a healthy way. To acknowledge my weaknesses, but not indulge in them and throw a pity party. I pray that I not ignore the needs of others around me just because I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Because that is never true. Never, ever, ever. My world cannot crash down around me because Jesus is standing next to me holding it up, and holding me up too.

Happiness is found when we look towards the maker of it. So next time I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I'll kneel on the other side and pray for the strength to find the constant joy we are all called to find.*

Sleep

      It’s 1am and I probably should have gone to sleep hours ago. I don’t really care though. I like staying up late; it makes it seem as if I have all the time I could ever ask for. The tired feeling behind my eyes will come soon enough, and I’ll turn off the bright computer screen. My head will hit the pillow and then I’ll wake up and daylight will shine through my windows. In the blink of an eye, my time will have gone by faster than a comet soaring through space.

      When I have my freshman year of college starting in 16 days, it  makes me bitter that we must waste so much time that we’re given in a perfectly useless unconsciousness. We’re not given an option mind you; we must. We need sleep, or we die. It almost seems as if God woke up on the wrong side of the bed one morning before he created the universe and thought about all the ways He could spite the pre-college student desperately seeking more time.  Numero uno on that list: Cut the time they have left with everyone and everything they know in half because their bodies require that they drool on a pillow and turn off their brain for 9 hours.

      Of course I realize if God really wanted to spite us He would have had lots more interesting options than making us sleep. And I am also aware that God does not want to spite us.  But it leaves me wondering, why on earth did He give us sleep? I guess it is a type of escape we get to enjoy if things are going wrong. But with my moving day looming closer and closer, I really just want that time back. But God knows what He’s about, so I’ll trust Him to give me enough time to do everything I need to do in the time that I have left, regardless of how much shut-eye I get.

And now I feel that feeling behind my eyes.

Perhaps one reason God made sleep was to keep my worries at bay, to give them a rest.

Thanks God for little things.

   
 Sleep well and trust in Him.

      Pax,

      ~Paula(:

P.S. I really do love sleep, don’t get me wrong. I just love time even more right now.

Countdown until leaving day: 12

Countdown until orientation: 16