Welcome to Roma! ---The start of an adventure.

I've been in Roma, Italy for one week today.

It feels like 10 years have passed. 

I had never really been attached to a place before. I've loved places because of the people or things there, not for the sake of loving the place itself.  I can honestly say though, all cheesiness aside, I am in love with this city already.. I didn't think I was a city girl...I still don't think I am one. But there's something different about Roma that makes it feel like home more than any other city I've ever been to. 

Someone told me before I came, that Rome was a little on the grungy side for a European city. But that's pretty typical of cities...and yes, Rome has it's graffiti and cigarette filled streets, but there's a strange beauty in it. A beauty that other cities don't possess. Maybe it's just me being a wide eyed American saying this, but I really feel like this is such a special place. I'm sitting here on facebook on the same land that soldiers, saints and martyrs lived. The history is overwhelming and the Catholicism is at the center. As much as I love St. Patrick's in NYC, you find an equivalent church on every street corner here in Italia. I'm certain that is why this place feels so much like home. Because this city, at it's heart, has Christ residing.

 And as much as I've always claimed to dislike history, you can't ignore the complete and utter amazingness   of the history of this place. It just leaps out at you everywhere you go. We were all doing a typical 21st century activity (walking to a bar--ha)  and someone pointed out that we were passing the spot where Julius Caesar got stabbed.  So crazy.

I won't go into detail about all the things I've seen so far (if you want more details, you can always ask me more--I've been writing pretty much every single detail down...but I figured that wouldn't make for a very interesting blog post)  But I will talk about a few things I've seen...

First, St. Peter's....is absolutely gorgeous. St. Peter's is about a 5 minutes walk from where we're staying. I cannot believe that there are people here that have grown up next to that and it's nothing special to them anymore. Some of us had joked about grabbing little Italian children and telling them how absolutely lucky they are to grow up here. Probablyyy not the best idea... but seriously, that's how we feel!

The basilica is enormous. I haven't explored it all yet; I've only been in inside once so far.  But the ceiling reaches so high. There are beautiful pieces of art inside. (The pieta, for one) And there are mini chapels everywhere throughout. We went inside at 7am on Thursday...and this is the time before many people come..so it was fairly empty. And there are priests saying mass at almost every chapel. You can hear the different languages as you walk by and it is just an amazing representation of the universality of the Church. 

Another thing I want to talk about is just the Roman streets and people themselves. I've explored a little on my own the past few days (for any parentals of mine that happen to be reading this---don't worry, during the day :p) The colors of the buildings themselves put me in such a joyful mood. There are yellows and beiges and oranges and most of the buildings jut out towards the streets giving everything a more village-like feel. There are dainty restaurants, shops filled with beautiful things, cheap souvenir shops, and street vendors everywhere you turn. I'm still working on figuring out how you can just tell who's an Italian and who's a tourist...but somehow, you just kind of know. The  Italian women always seem to be put together and I don't mean this in a negative way, but they have a colder look usually. And the men...well... no offense to American men, dress a heck of a lot better over here.  It's a little embarrassing how easy it is for them to pick out Americans too though. You'll walk by a vendor without having let your American secret out by speaking English, and they'll still start talking to you in English anyway...Although, someone did think I was Italian last week and was really surprised when I told them I was American. Highlight right there.

Oh, and I've had some school too already here. Can't forget about that part. ;) We're taking an art/architecture class, humanities, poetics, and theology. It's all going to tie right back into this whole Rome experience and I'm really excited about them! (Although homework is slightly a depressing prospect)

A few more things I've noticed: 

---Personal space? Not really a thing here. You'll be walking on the sidewalk and where in America, people will walk a good few feet to avoid the person walking next to them, here everyone moves about a centimeter away.  

---If a car's coming and you want to cross the street... If you're legit Roman.. you start walking anyway. Haven't quite gotten to that level of legitimacy yet. (This is more of a city thing than a Rome thing, but they're even more aggressive about it than I've seen at other places) 

---If it's raining, there will be an umbrella vendor every 2 feet--- so have no fear! 

---I know you can't buy happiness... but you can buy gelato and cappuccinos.. close enough. 

Anyway, as you can see... a lot can happen in a week. In the words of the director of our study abroad program: Rome...will change you, but it is up to you to decide if it is for the better or for the worse. Heavy words to remember. 

It's only been a week and I can already see my heart changing because of this place. I'll be praying that my growth is towards the good. If you've read this much with me, I thank you . :) Let me know if you have any prayer requests and please keep me in all of your prayers too! 

Ciao,

~Paula(:

People.

Wow... My first year at college has officially come and gone...And my, what a wild ride it has been. I don't really remember what exactly I expected from college... But I know it was everything and nothing like what I thought all at the same time. I laughed. I cried. I did smart things. I did some pretty dumb things. I learned. I wrote a few papers. I made some amazing friends. I had amazing, silly nights along with the terribly depressing nights. I learned a lot about myself, other people, and...God. I'm so grateful for everything that happened over those 8 months, as crazy of a roller coaster ride as it was, I know it was exactly what God had in mind.

What I really wanted to talk about today though was something I've gotten to know about myself  recently. I never really realized this, but the closer you strive to be with God, the closer you see yourself in complete vulnerability and honesty.  I've been trying to move closer to Him and He's been letting me know all the thoughts in my head that have hurt my relationship with Him and all my friendships in general.

 For quite some time (starting before college), I would constantly make the joke that "I don't like people", even at the expense of saying it to some of my closest friends. They always assumed I was joking, and for a while I guess I did too. But the more I said it, the more it became a reality in my head. "Ugh, have to deal with another person today....I hate people." This pretty much became my altogether unhealthy mantra. 

...Which was probably not the best train of though to bring to college with you... But bring it I did.

But it didn't make sense because I loved the people I met, I loved the new friends I was gaining. But any time there was conflict...back I went to: "My life would be simpler if people weren't around." 

So 8 months went by...flash forward to the night I was leaving campus to go home for the summer. ('bout 2 weeks ago) A bunch of my friends from school came to say goodbye to me. And darn it all, wouldn't you know? I started sobbing as I was saying goodbye to them, because I think I had finally allowed myself to realize how important these people really were to me and I was going to miss them bunches. 

But what kept me from just acknowledging that fact in the first place? Quite a few things I think... probably a few thoughts thrown at me by the devil started it and my own emotions stirred it on.

First, I had decided that I am an introvert and introverts do not like people, therefore I could not like people.

Now, I'm actually at a point in my 18 year old life where I'm not entirely sure whether or not I'm an introvert or an extrovert. This has caused a massive mid-life crisis, but that's for another blog post. ;) But regardless, I'm still not entirely sure that I'm an introvert any more. And further more, introverts do not hate people, they just need alone time. So that was one excuse for me disliking people down the drain.

Another faulty argument of mine was that life would be easier if there were no other people. False. Because. Um. If there were no other people but me, there'd be nothing happening on Earth at all.. God put people on this earth for a reason. We need community. It may be hard to deal with people sometimes, but it'd be even harder to single-handedly fight off temptations without the love and support of our brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Finally... I think I allowed myself to believe I didn't like people because I was scared of getting hurt. If we don't like anything that likes us back, we'll be fine... right? If we never like a single human being, we'll be grand. We'll sit in our little hermitages and live solitary lives and nothing will ever hurt and everything will be just dandy. Who needs friends?!?!

What a sad little argument that my brain could come up with, but that was what I joked that I wished I could do sometimes. I didn't want to do it for any pious reason, mind you. I just... wanted to escape the world and all the hurts that people bring with them. 

But being alive means we're going to get hurt. It's a fact. Whether we're a cloistered nun or a mother of 12 we're all going to experience pain that comes because of other human beings. But you know what? That's ok. Because the pain is inevitable, yes. But do you know what else is inevitable? The joy that being with other human beings brings. The laughter that we share. The pain you can take from a friend by being there with them in times of need or when they do the same for you. The simple joys of knowing someone cares. The people who surround you who make you better people, who make you better lovers of God. 

Humans are the masterpieces of God. As much as we don't realize this, people are even more amazing than something like the seven wonders of the world could ever be. I learned 50 bajillion lessons from college this past year (academic and mostly otherwise :p). But I think one of the biggest lessons that God wanted to show me was that He made people and He made them "very good" and we are not supposed to take that for granted. Other people are not to be scoffed at or have their disappearance hoped for because they have faults. I have faults too. We're all broken. But when we're following our Creator, we can learn to see what God sees when He looks at us. He knows that we are not meant to cry out over and over again how much we dislike his beautiful creation.  He knows how much we need others in our lives, that's why they're here with us, after all--fighting the same battle, on the same side.

So to sum up this whole post... ---And for the record this is taking tons of courage to finally make this confession... ;)
 butttttt:

Dear world, 

I LIKE PEOPLE!  <3

Blessings,

~Paula(:

"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Les Mis

Well, that's it folks.

I apologize for what is about to be a somewhat rambly post.

My first semester of college is officially over.  It really feels as if it took only a blink of an eye. But at the same time, it felt as if I had been there forever.

I'm home now. I've been home for about a week. I've seen people I hadn't seen in forever. I've seen people from school. It seems as if there are two lives that all college students live. The lives at school and the lives they live when they get back home. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It just makes it hard to explain about one life to those living the other with you. Actually, it's not just hard, it's darn near impossible. Which is frustrating when I love so many people at home and at school. But at the same time, it's kind of convenient to be able to love the school and home people differently. They are all part of my life, but different chapters in a book that is still being written.

And on that note, I would like to change part of the chapter about to be written for next semester by listing some school new year's resolutions:

-Sleep. A lot more than last semester.
-No fun is allowed until most of the school work is completed.
-Pray...a lot more.
-Start becoming a responsible adult that I will actually have to be in 3 years... (Oh gosh, don't remind me...)

ANYWAYS I really enjoy being the old kid coming home from college...and somehow, my friends and I still manage to act like middle schoolers. What can I say? College kids aren't as mature as everyone thinks. ;) But we're getting there! Hopefully.
Blessings,
Paula(:

Happiness

                    It occurred to me this morning, after waking up on the wrong side of the bed, that I was not happy in the slightest.
                 
                   I'm a newly appointed member in the club of college freshman, and it has been one of the most up and down months of my entire life. I thought my moods could already change at the drop of the hat, being the emotional 18 year old girl that I am. But oh my word, I definitely had never experienced real mood swings til I stepped foot on this campus. I was absolutely ecstatic when I first got here. I was free. I was meeting kind people. I had new adventures to go on, and time to really learn how I deal with new things.  After the first crazy week of orientation though, school started. I had almost forgot college involved school. Tedious, grueling school. I'm not sure how it is at some colleges, but at mine, the workload has not let up for a second. It really set me off last week. Meltdowns were occurring left and right (for others too, not just me).  This week however, I had sort of acquired an apathetic nature toward the whole ordeal. Towards new friends, towards new interests (romantic, extracurricular, and whatever else goes on in the lives of freshies), and toward the Bs I've been getting (for a girl who's never gotten a B in a class in her life, getting Bs on all of the first few assignments has been a huge smack in the face, but I'm working on letting it be in the past.)

                       This morning when I woke though, I was a huge mess. I was grumpy. I was exhausted, and I was overwhelmed with the fact that my friendships, my grades, my crushes, my hopes, my dreams, all seemed to still be mysteries to me and I was left feeling helpless and frustrated. So all day I clammed up, not letting other people in, and certainly not listening to what other people needed. Finally my friend asked if I was alright, and I admitted that I wasn't. We were in the middle of the cafeteria though so when she asked what was wrong, I didn't feel like answering. I'm not even sure I could articulate what was wrong, because what was wrong was...well, everything.
                   Or at least, that was the thought I let myself employ in my head. But I got back to my dorm, started listening to music, worked on some school so I didn't have to feel totally unproductive, and drank coffee. Suddenly my eyes were opened. (It was either the Holy Spirit or the coffee, I'll let you be the judge.) Well, as open as they can be this side of Heaven. I've allowed the circumstances around me to dictate my mood. I've allowed them to creep into the depths of my heart and control me, instead of the other way around. I have become a slave to my situations and emotions. I haven't yet come to realize that boys who don't like me and a B on a quiz does not change the fact that I was made for a beautiful purpose. To love and be loved by God.
           This day I pray that God allows me to learn how to take the frustrating situations and annoyances of every day life, and deal with them in a healthy way. To acknowledge my weaknesses, but not indulge in them and throw a pity party. I pray that I not ignore the needs of others around me just because I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Because that is never true. Never, ever, ever. My world cannot crash down around me because Jesus is standing next to me holding it up, and holding me up too.

Happiness is found when we look towards the maker of it. So next time I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I'll kneel on the other side and pray for the strength to find the constant joy we are all called to find.*

Sleep

      It’s 1am and I probably should have gone to sleep hours ago. I don’t really care though. I like staying up late; it makes it seem as if I have all the time I could ever ask for. The tired feeling behind my eyes will come soon enough, and I’ll turn off the bright computer screen. My head will hit the pillow and then I’ll wake up and daylight will shine through my windows. In the blink of an eye, my time will have gone by faster than a comet soaring through space.

      When I have my freshman year of college starting in 16 days, it  makes me bitter that we must waste so much time that we’re given in a perfectly useless unconsciousness. We’re not given an option mind you; we must. We need sleep, or we die. It almost seems as if God woke up on the wrong side of the bed one morning before he created the universe and thought about all the ways He could spite the pre-college student desperately seeking more time.  Numero uno on that list: Cut the time they have left with everyone and everything they know in half because their bodies require that they drool on a pillow and turn off their brain for 9 hours.

      Of course I realize if God really wanted to spite us He would have had lots more interesting options than making us sleep. And I am also aware that God does not want to spite us.  But it leaves me wondering, why on earth did He give us sleep? I guess it is a type of escape we get to enjoy if things are going wrong. But with my moving day looming closer and closer, I really just want that time back. But God knows what He’s about, so I’ll trust Him to give me enough time to do everything I need to do in the time that I have left, regardless of how much shut-eye I get.

And now I feel that feeling behind my eyes.

Perhaps one reason God made sleep was to keep my worries at bay, to give them a rest.

Thanks God for little things.

   
 Sleep well and trust in Him.

      Pax,

      ~Paula(:

P.S. I really do love sleep, don’t get me wrong. I just love time even more right now.

Countdown until leaving day: 12

Countdown until orientation: 16