The Handmaid's Example

“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38)  Imagine you are 14 years old. You are doing the same thing you are doing every day, perhaps you are outside taking a quiet walk. Suddenly, a huge angel appears to you. He tells you not to be afraid. He tells you that you are going to become pregnant with the Son of God. You have never been with a man though. But the angel tells you this is what God wants. You say yes, simply because it is what God wants. You do not need any other reason. You accept all that the yes means. This is what Mary, the Mother of God, did 2000 years ago. From that yes the course of history and the course of our lives were forever changed.

On this feast of the Annunciation, I want to meditate on Mary’s trust in God and how we can learn from her.

We walk through life with a pile of worries on our hearts. A range from the smallest to the largest of concerns is what consumes our minds. We hear “trust God” over and over again in Church, from our friends, and when we read any Christian literature these days. It has gotten pounded into our heads since we were little, at least the words have. It just seems so cheesy when we hear the words coming out of our mouths now.  But why does it feel so overused? Why does it feel so strange to tell our friends to trust? It is because we don’t have that trust. We’re frustrated when we hear it because we haven’t reached a point of trust yet. We feel awkward when we tell a friend to trust in God because we ourselves do not know what it means to trust.

Let today be a renewal of trust though. Let Mary be an example. She had free will and she chose God’s will. I firmly believe that our lives will be totally peaceful if we learn to let go of the tight grasp we try to have on our lives. We do not realize how much more difficult our lives are when we hold tightly to our own will and worries. Let us again think of the words “let it be done to me” that are said in the gospel. Mary does not say “I will do this, this, and this. Then I will know I am doing God’s will because I am powering through it with all of MY might.” No. She is simply receiving. She is simply allowing God to work through her, to mold her, and to use her. She has opened her hands to receive all that God wants to do with her. With her trusting hands open to receive God’s blessings, there is no room left to cling tightly to her own will.  This is the model for trusting we should follow.  Stand with your hands open today. Tell God you are letting go. Ask Momma Mary to wrap you in her arms and push you towards her Son. And watch the peace that will come from following our beautiful Mother’s example.

“Am I not here, I, who am your Mother? Are you not under my shadow and protection? Am I not the source of your joy? Are you not in the hollow of my mantle, in the crossing of my arms? Do you need anything more? Let nothing else worry you, disturb you.” ~Our Lady of Guadalupe

   There are people everywhere, in every state of life, with as many different stories and problems as snowflakes in a snowstorm.  But there is something that the human in all of us shares in…suffering. Pain is no stranger to a college student with a broken heart, a husband in a nursing home with a sick wife, a little girl who won’t sleep because she lost her teddy bear, and all stories in between. It’s funny though. We make comparisons about our suffering. We look at others and we wonder how well their lives are really going. We get nosy. When we see that their suffering is worse than ours, we feel relieved that we don’t have it as bad as it could possibly be. When we see someone that is suffering less (in our eyes) than us, we get frustrated. Why does God give ME this cross and let them have a burden which is so much lighter?

If you ever feel this way, stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Please.

We do not know the extent of the pain someone is feeling. We will never understand that. Only God knows how hard someone’s journey is. We only know ourselves.  We do not know what they do not reveal. Even if someone does reveal their most intimate sufferings to you, you still will never experience the pain that rests in their heart.  We should share in their pain and try to love them as best as we can. Regardless of if their problems seem bigger or smaller than our own. The pain turns into hope when we rest all the suffering at the foot of the Cross. Jesus is calling you to lay all of your hurt, pain, brokenness, and suffering down at His feet. And then He calls you to help your brothers and sisters in Him do the same.  Keep calm and love on.

“Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter  5:7

“Courage, dear heart.” C.S. Lewis

Blessings,

~Paula

Sanctity

This blog post is really going to be preaching at myself. Because I need a lecture. Desperately.

So bear with me.

 St. Joan of Arc won battles, Bl. Mother Teresa helped the poorest of the poor, St. Thomas Aquinas wrote beautiful theological texts.... what do all of these have in common?  They are examples of awe inspiring saints and the actions that the grace of God allowed them to perform. 

What else do they have in common? They get overlooked as flukes by the rest of the world. As if it was all just one big accident that these feats were accomplished. It is so very easy to distance ourselves from the saints. We look at what they did and we think we can never be where they are. They are beautiful examples of what God can do in our lives, but sometimes it's just too scary to handle. 

I wanted to talk about another type of saint though. The type of saint that found Christ in the little things. A saint that learned that being a saint was  something that all are called to.  A saint that knew that being called to be a saint is the same thing as being called to be entwined with love itself. St. Thérèse of Lisieux. (I'm sure all of the saints that I mentioned above, and all saint in general know all these things... but St.  Thérèse  by her life and writings, explains this in a very simple and beautiful way that I'm learning to love) 

I've been learning more about her recently and she is so very precious. It is still a temptation to look at her life and dismiss it as an accident of one sweet child who happened to stumble upon sanctity. But ignoring that temptation,  it is very encouraging to look at her little way of loving  and to learn that little things bring about great things too. Sanctity isn't just for the people who accomplish world changing things for God's plan. It is also for those who trust Him and love Him in everything.  Even things like choosing a smile instead of a harsh word towards someone that annoys us.

And you can do that. You can love Him in everything. And I can do that. We all can do it. I promise. It scares the heck out of me, but  God sends His grace when we call upon Him--It's not us. It's NOT us. It's Him. 

Whether we are called to change the world one Summa written or one hug given at a time, He sends the grace we need. 

YOU. YEA YOU. Are called to be saint. YEA YOU ARE. And you know what? That's not some vague, maybe, sort-of calling.  And it's NOT some terrible, rule-filled for the sake of rules, unhappy, mess of a path. It's simply a  deep, loud, crazy, beautiful message written on your heart. Because becoming a saint is learning to let God love you. Rest in His love. Breathe in His love. And understand that He wants you to rest in Him forever. So change your hearts and minds towards Him.

"Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"I must become a saint, my Jesus expects it." ~St. Bernadette

Peace,

Paula

Roma

                 I had a brilliant plan to blog every week that I was in Europe. Thaaaaat didn't work out so well. (I'm currently blogging from a Panera in home-sweet-home Maryland.)  So, my next best plan is to write out something akin to a summary of the semester post. I'm not really sure  that's completely possible... But there were so many beautiful things that happened and so many blessings poured out that I'm going to at least attempt to share about them.  God's love was in the ups, downs, middles, everythings, and simple nothings of this semester. I hope I get across in this even the slightest glimpse of what this semester meant to me and I hope it brings joy to those reading along.

Rome is like every city you've ever been to and nothing like every city you've ever been to...all at the same time. You've got your graffiti, you've got your smoggy air, your smelly buses, and your camera vetted tourists. But you've also got sisters and priests appearing around every street corner, getting to watch the amusing antics of 50 purse vendors running away from cops every other day, people playing accordions on the subway, and coffee taking the place of water in any Italian's diet(---so therefore, your little studying abroad self's diet). It took me probably til I was about to leave to really say I was comfortable with the city and comfortable finding my way around. (Although it only took me a few days to get annoyed by the ACTUAL tourists... ..something I was never...cause please, I belonged in my Roma from day one) That's how life works I suppose.  It was amazing to be walking and then all of a sudden come across the Pantheon...or the Colosseum. And the amount of stunningly beautiful churches in Rome is absolutely mind blowing.
Now...Pasta is everywhere. Gelato is everywhere. And coffee is everywhere. I'm ok with all of those things though, so it was all good. Oh, and Romans love their dogs. I didn't see that many families, I guess just the nature of living in a city. But there were many...many dogs. There were tiny smart cars everywhere, umbrella vendors appearing out of nowhere when it started to rain, and pictures of Mary on many of the apartment buildings. Oh and there was St. Peter's 5 minutes away from where we lived. Rome is a city with a life and mind of its own.

So that was the city life. (And I talked a bit more about that in my first post I posted-- that was supposed to be one of many--- if you want to go back and read it :p) But besides the city itself, it was really the people that God sent this semester that made this trip the biggest blessing....Firstly, I'd like to send a big shout and thank you to Father Scott and Deacon Taylor and Josh!  They came every week so we could have a holy hour (and confessions from Father) and they brought so much joy and peace to our group...I'm so grateful for all they did for us this semester and for all the laughter they brought every time they were with us.  I'd also like to talk about our super fantastically amazing RD for a second now... Miss Corinne. She is one of the most loveable and giving people I have ever met. I am so grateful for all that she did for our whole group. Between planning our smaller pilgrimages and trip to Poland, she still found time to help us with little things and make us all fall on the floor laughing with her crazy and silly self all at the same time. (Example: the day we all pretended we could actually legitimately African dance ... inspired by Corinne. Hopefully...uhhh...  that video never goes anywhere). Annddd I can't talk about inspiring people without including our RAs: Miss Erin and Mr. Henry.  I'm pretty sure those two both have a little ray of sunshine that they bring around with them everywhere. They would probablyyyy deny that. Ya know, cause they've got their problems: Erin's meanness which I've explained to her is similar to butterflies hitting people, and Henry's sassiness on about the same level of meanness. Butttt on a serious note, they shouldn't deny the joy they brought to all of us... They shouldn't because it's true. These two self-sacrificing people showed our group what it means to really be joyful followers of Christ. (We were the founders of the Happy Bear club... tis a grand club... you should ask me about it sometime. Or just come up and shout "Happy Bear!" as loudly as possible when you see me. Either is acceptable) Annnnddd I'm super de duper uber grateful that they stated getting us all to pray the Liturgy of the Hours with them recently...some favorite memories and Jesus time right there that will hopefully continue... (yes,yes I am a holy roller who asked for a breviary for her birthday because of those two...shhhh don't tell anyone)

All the kids of the program were blessings too. I want to send a huge thank you for the silliness, caring, love and friendship that all the students in the program this semester showed me and everyone else. There were SO many little things that brought such joy to my heart over the last 3 months thanks to all of them.  Some of my absolute favorite memories were from the impromptu jam sessions and dances we had in our tiny little common room at the residence, VIP wine&pizza nights with guest speakers, playing the cup game wayyyy too many times after dinner, and taking random trips to gelaterias or the 30cent pastry shop... Oh, and bar beato. Can't forget bar beato. Corinne, and some of the other girls in the program would make coffee in our common room and we'd pay a few cents and the money would go to a pregnancy center. Speaking of loved shown, the sweetest little old Italian man, who runs a cafe right by the residence we lived at, would donate pastries for free so we could use them to make money for bar beato. So kind.

There were SO many other people who came into mine and everyone else's lives just briefly for the semester who  were amazing blessings. There was the bus drive in Pollone who let about 10 of us ride for free. There was the Missionaries of Charity ,who some of us got to work with a few times over the semester, who showed us what real love was. There were the men at the Missionaries of Charity houses who also showed us just as much  and more love as we thought we were going to show them. (I remember some of them saying over and over again to us as we left one night: "God bless you!!!") There was the Italian lady who worked at the bread shop down the street from our residence who said she had never managed to get to St. Peter's in her whole time there. (St. Peter's was down the street from us). I'm not really sure why she hadn't gotten to go, probably just from too much work. But her working there didn't keep her from being overly generous. She, on more than one occasion, threw in lots of free stuff for our group when we bought dinner there. There was Claire who by an act of God's providence I got to meet.  She was a consecrated virgin, who was one of the kindest and realest people I have ever met.  There was the Assaf family (Mr. Assaf is the head of the program), who showed us huge amounts of love and generosity in many different ways.There were the host families we stayed with when we went to Poland, who fed us and housed us. There was our tour guide when we went to Auschwitz who wanted to make sure we understood how grateful we need to be for our lives. There were two beautiful students in Prague who showed us around Prague and helped us get housing when we were there for two nights.  There were the many many people who worked at all the gelato shops I went to that put up with me asking them to pick flavors for me.  There was SO much love shown throughout the whole semester that I can't even really fathom it.

Our trip to Poland was probably one of the highlights of the whole semester. We went to Warsaw, Krakow, Czestochowa, the city JP 2 is from, Auschwitz, the city Maximilian Kolbe lived in, and saw so many other amazing things too. While Roma will always have a special place in my heart, Poland is a place I want to go back and live forever....No exaggeration.  The people had so much faith. At one point we went to stations of the cross that were walking stations, I think in Warsaw. We went to the most amazing Palm Sunday procession I've ever seen  in Krakow(there was Polish music and fire dancing... enough said) and then mass afterwards at a beautiful basilica. It was one of the most touching things I've ever experienced. You really could feel the people on fire for their faith in that city and really everywhere in the country. We also got to visit the Divine Mercy shrine and learn more about St. Faustina. One of the sisters there gave a little talk to us. She was pretty amazing. She talked about how St. Faustina fell in love with Jesus.
We went to mass at a church Maximilian Kolbe and some other men had built in another city. There was an amazing priest ever there who said mass for us. He spoke of how Jesus had really appeared to him once and he spoke of his encounter with Him. He spoke of how we need love in our lives desperately. He reminded us of what St. Paul said about how if we don't have love we are nothing. Love is the only language that we need. We had the opportunity to visit Auschwitz. It was one of the most eye-opening and saddening things that I have ever seen. Our tour guide made sure that we understood that we must never let those people go forgotten. They had dignity and we must always remember them. We go to see the cell of St. Maximilian Kolbe where he died after he took the place of another man in the starvation cell. That is what true love really means. That was beautiful to see that light in the darkness.
We also ended up getting to spend a day in the Czech Republic, on our way home from Poland. There were so many people there who showered kindness on us too. People made sure we had a place to stay and showed us around to special places in Prague. We met the most amazing people on that trip that I don't think I will ever forget.

Then we came back to Rome and amazing things were about to happen. I have to tell you about Easter and the Canonization. Easter was beautiful.I got to go to the Easter vigil inside St. Peter's and then the mass outside St. Peter's on Easter day. What a huge gift that was. And it was so amazing to get to see Papa Francesco so many times! Easter day we all had an amazing time at the villa where the program has had their campus in the past. It's a little outside the city. It's a good thing that it wasn't where we stayed this semester though, or I would never have gone into the city. That campus was stunning.  There were trees and flowers and an open field. It was lovely. It was the first Easter I've ever been without my family, but it was a filled with friends, laughter and happiness.

Annnnnddd goodness gracious. The canonization was absolutely insane. It was the week after Easter. Our group by the grace of God, was in the right place at the right time. We had been wandering around the millions of people squished everywhere in the city the night before the canonization, trying to figure out where to camp out.Anddd at around 11:30 we were standing right by where the crowd started moving towards St. Peter's. We followed the crowd and then got swept in. We were squished into standing room only for about 8 hours. Most of us took turns sitting. We napped, we prayed, we sang, we laughed, we took 5 minute power naps, we got grumpy,  we went a little crazy at points. The crowd would move a few feet every hour or so. It was quite the strange sensation to move only because a million other people are moving around you. At around 7am though, by Mama Mary's intercession and the grace of God we got pushed right into St. Peter's square. We were right next to people who had been in line since 2pm the day before and 9pm...when we had only accidentally stumbled into line on that street at 11:30pm....wow... God is good. Then the canonization mass was beautiful...the sun came out for part of it. JP2 and John 23rd wanted to make sure there was at least a little sunshine. :) There was such joy when Pope Francis named them official saints! The priests came out to distribute communion with yellow colored umbrellas and they all marched down the square all in a row. It was a beautiful sight, especially since we were farther back in the square and I wasn't sure we were going to get communion. It was so special that we did get to receive communion though! Not going to lie though, I think I fell asleep during part of the readings... only for a second or two though. ;)  Also... sleep is a beautiful thing. I don't think I've ever been more grateful for sleep than the night of the canonization. (Fell asleep at 5pm on Sunday... woke up at 6:15am on Monday...like a pro.)

The last few days were kind of a blur. Went on a few adventures. Met up with some Domincan sisters on one little side trip. Got to visit Nettuno, where St. Maria Goretti is from one of the last days. Walked around the city by myself on my very last day. Said goodbye to everyone who was left whilst eating gelato.
Annnnddd then said  my goodbyes to Roma.

I feel like I've just woken up from a dream, ever since I've been home. It was one of the most amazing trips I've ever had. It was definitely hard at some points, don't get me wrong.. But it was all such a blessing..every single second of it. I cannot believe I got to see and experience everything that I did. It's crazy. Absolutely crazy. But a good crazy. :) This little summary can't really begin to cover the 3 months...but I hope I was able to share at least partly the blessing that this semester was. Thank you Jesus for all that you have shown us all this semester. Annddd I will now leave you with a quote from one of the books we read this semester (....or rather, were supposed to have read) that I think summarizes the feeling of all who get to enjoy the beauty and peace of Roma.
 "And joy pervades her quiet heart." ~from the Aeneid.

If you stuck with me this whole time... I thank you :)
Ciao!
Blessings,
~Paula

Welcome to Roma! ---The start of an adventure.

I've been in Roma, Italy for one week today.

It feels like 10 years have passed. 

I had never really been attached to a place before. I've loved places because of the people or things there, not for the sake of loving the place itself.  I can honestly say though, all cheesiness aside, I am in love with this city already.. I didn't think I was a city girl...I still don't think I am one. But there's something different about Roma that makes it feel like home more than any other city I've ever been to. 

Someone told me before I came, that Rome was a little on the grungy side for a European city. But that's pretty typical of cities...and yes, Rome has it's graffiti and cigarette filled streets, but there's a strange beauty in it. A beauty that other cities don't possess. Maybe it's just me being a wide eyed American saying this, but I really feel like this is such a special place. I'm sitting here on facebook on the same land that soldiers, saints and martyrs lived. The history is overwhelming and the Catholicism is at the center. As much as I love St. Patrick's in NYC, you find an equivalent church on every street corner here in Italia. I'm certain that is why this place feels so much like home. Because this city, at it's heart, has Christ residing.

 And as much as I've always claimed to dislike history, you can't ignore the complete and utter amazingness   of the history of this place. It just leaps out at you everywhere you go. We were all doing a typical 21st century activity (walking to a bar--ha)  and someone pointed out that we were passing the spot where Julius Caesar got stabbed.  So crazy.

I won't go into detail about all the things I've seen so far (if you want more details, you can always ask me more--I've been writing pretty much every single detail down...but I figured that wouldn't make for a very interesting blog post)  But I will talk about a few things I've seen...

First, St. Peter's....is absolutely gorgeous. St. Peter's is about a 5 minutes walk from where we're staying. I cannot believe that there are people here that have grown up next to that and it's nothing special to them anymore. Some of us had joked about grabbing little Italian children and telling them how absolutely lucky they are to grow up here. Probablyyy not the best idea... but seriously, that's how we feel!

The basilica is enormous. I haven't explored it all yet; I've only been in inside once so far.  But the ceiling reaches so high. There are beautiful pieces of art inside. (The pieta, for one) And there are mini chapels everywhere throughout. We went inside at 7am on Thursday...and this is the time before many people come..so it was fairly empty. And there are priests saying mass at almost every chapel. You can hear the different languages as you walk by and it is just an amazing representation of the universality of the Church. 

Another thing I want to talk about is just the Roman streets and people themselves. I've explored a little on my own the past few days (for any parentals of mine that happen to be reading this---don't worry, during the day :p) The colors of the buildings themselves put me in such a joyful mood. There are yellows and beiges and oranges and most of the buildings jut out towards the streets giving everything a more village-like feel. There are dainty restaurants, shops filled with beautiful things, cheap souvenir shops, and street vendors everywhere you turn. I'm still working on figuring out how you can just tell who's an Italian and who's a tourist...but somehow, you just kind of know. The  Italian women always seem to be put together and I don't mean this in a negative way, but they have a colder look usually. And the men...well... no offense to American men, dress a heck of a lot better over here.  It's a little embarrassing how easy it is for them to pick out Americans too though. You'll walk by a vendor without having let your American secret out by speaking English, and they'll still start talking to you in English anyway...Although, someone did think I was Italian last week and was really surprised when I told them I was American. Highlight right there.

Oh, and I've had some school too already here. Can't forget about that part. ;) We're taking an art/architecture class, humanities, poetics, and theology. It's all going to tie right back into this whole Rome experience and I'm really excited about them! (Although homework is slightly a depressing prospect)

A few more things I've noticed: 

---Personal space? Not really a thing here. You'll be walking on the sidewalk and where in America, people will walk a good few feet to avoid the person walking next to them, here everyone moves about a centimeter away.  

---If a car's coming and you want to cross the street... If you're legit Roman.. you start walking anyway. Haven't quite gotten to that level of legitimacy yet. (This is more of a city thing than a Rome thing, but they're even more aggressive about it than I've seen at other places) 

---If it's raining, there will be an umbrella vendor every 2 feet--- so have no fear! 

---I know you can't buy happiness... but you can buy gelato and cappuccinos.. close enough. 

Anyway, as you can see... a lot can happen in a week. In the words of the director of our study abroad program: Rome...will change you, but it is up to you to decide if it is for the better or for the worse. Heavy words to remember. 

It's only been a week and I can already see my heart changing because of this place. I'll be praying that my growth is towards the good. If you've read this much with me, I thank you . :) Let me know if you have any prayer requests and please keep me in all of your prayers too! 

Ciao,

~Paula(:

Keep Breathing

You know that thing that's really bothering you right now? That thing you can't get off your mind? That worry that won't leave your heart and mind alone? Let it go. Just let the thought go. Right now. Just for a second. And breathe. Breathe in...and out.  And pray:  "Lord, if I can let this go for that one second by my own actions, I know that with YOUR help, I can let it go completely."

Peace. Nobody really has much of it anymore. Why? Well, we allow the constant stream of everyday problems along with the mind boggling amount of meaningless social media to attack us every waking moment.  And we let ourselves seep in it. Enjoy it even . Someone has a problem? If we don't know them well, we might talk to other people about it, gossiping or just searching for answers. If we do know them well, we might not talk about it much...if you're a fellow introvert with the author, you might just let the worry sit in your mind and weigh you down. Or you might speak about it to other people, but then it's weighing them down along with you.

No one really tries to pray these days. No one really wants silence. Because both are scary.
If you pray, God might ask you change. If you sit in silence, you might figure out that answer about something that you've really been hoping to avoid.

Dwelling on problems and wallowing in that grief or anxiety is WAY easier than doing what God might be calling you to do to actually DEAL with that problem. Allowing distractions into your life also helps you miss what you're supposed to be seeing.
If it's a problem with another person, it's easier to grumble about it than to actually recognize that you're called to treat that person like Christ too. If you're trying to make a decision, you're not going to get an answer by mass texting your whole contact list. I promise. At the end of the day, you need silence to pray and prayer to hear.

It's so hard to remember but God really does have bigger and better things in store for us than we could ever imagine. He gives us the peace and hope we're craving, if we'll just ask.
So take some time out before this whole school years starts up...and turn off the phone, sign out of facebook, stop dwelling on your problems and hoping it will give you answers or consolement. Give it all up to God in the silence. Because His story for you is a beautiful one. But if you drown out the plot with constant chatter, worries, technology and noise, you'll miss the whole section of the plot that you're supposed to be in.

And yes this is a cheesy post, brought to you by the fact I am leaving for my sophomore year in 8 days and nostalgia about leaving has officially hit. ;)

He has a plan. Keep breathing, keep smiling, and keep praying.

Blessings,
~Paula

"Let me hear what God the Lord will speak, for he will speak peace to his people, to his saints, to those who turn to him in their hearts." -Psalm 85:8

"But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing now." 
~Ingrid Michaelson

Time is a crazy thing

So just so you know, the best time to write a blog post is when you have a paper due in a few hours... at least that's what my brain thinks. :)
Woooo for procrastination! (Haaha ironic because of this blog topic...) Anyways, let's talk about summer and time, shall we?
At first, the hundreds of hours that we have in our freed-from-school lives seems like they could go on forever. But as we all know, time never quite works the way we want it to. For example, the last time I wrote on this blog was longer than a month ago...on one hand it seems like 10 years ago and on the other hand it legitimately feels like yesterday when I wrote that last post. I know you've all had experiences like that.
Time is always weird and always relative.
Summer just makes it 10 times worse because all the time available is less structured. And even if you have a super tightly structured job to get to everyday, you still have free time that you don't have to spend writing a paper or studying like you do in the school year when you're done with work. (Unless you're me and thought it was a good idea to take Philosophy over the summer for some unknown reason... )

What do YOU do with your free time?
It's almost dangerous.
I'm starting to realize that the days that I sit around watching Netflix are not only not helping me grow in any way, that time wasted is actually making me go backwards. Time is so so very precious and if we let time slip through our fingers mindlessly we're missing out on so many opportunities, so many chance to grow, and so many openings for learning. I've noticed the days I've take advantage of the time available to me in Godly, productive ways have been some of the most content days I've had this summer. I definitely feel growth when I use that extra 20 minutes to read the Bible or pray the rosary instead of staring at Pinterest like a zombie. And when I stare at Pinterest for that 20 minutes...well I definitely do feel like an empty zombie, and I definitely don't feel like I'm becoming the woman God wants me to be.

I'm not saying we shouldn't take advantages of all the amusing activities we have available to us now to relax and have simple fun...but we shouldn't let our weeks go without a second thought of where our time goes. If we waste the gift of time this summer, we shouldn't be surprised when we're less of the person we wanted to be by the time the new school year starts. We should learn to take advantage of this time to grow...in a strange way the summers between college semesters are just, if not more, as important as the semesters themselves. Most of us aren't taking classes for our majors over the summer, you're right. But we are coming home to the people we love who we have to get readjusted to. We have to re-learn how to listen to our parents wishes in a gracious and grown-up way. We have to learn to use our time even MORE wisely because we have so much more time available to us. (One can only hope we all can learn to use our time more wisely than freshman... let me tell you, I think pretty much anyone could be wiser than  I was last year about time management.) We have to work. We have to make sure we're making Christ the center of everything, and doing what He wants for us over this break from school (and sometimes it's a  chance to have a break from the real world too before we graduate... but that doesn't mean a break from God's wishes). It's hard to use our time in the right way. It's hard to not go to either extreme: lying in bed all day versus guilt tripping anyone who doesn't get to daily mass.  We all have different battles to face this summer. But if you remember anything, remember that we only get a certain amount of time on this earth...and I bet that on your deathbed you're not going to say how much you wished you spent more time online... you're going to wish you had lived life to the fullest. And hopefully you and I will be able to say we did.  It's gonna take effort, but it's going to be worth it. Promise.
Now...excuse me as I go attempt to write that paper. Philosophy papers should be good for growing into the person I was made to be, right? That's what I keep telling myself. ;)

I hope you all have amazing summers.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." ~ John 10:10

"When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity." ~Albert Einstein



Blessings,
~Paula(:

People.

Wow... My first year at college has officially come and gone...And my, what a wild ride it has been. I don't really remember what exactly I expected from college... But I know it was everything and nothing like what I thought all at the same time. I laughed. I cried. I did smart things. I did some pretty dumb things. I learned. I wrote a few papers. I made some amazing friends. I had amazing, silly nights along with the terribly depressing nights. I learned a lot about myself, other people, and...God. I'm so grateful for everything that happened over those 8 months, as crazy of a roller coaster ride as it was, I know it was exactly what God had in mind.

What I really wanted to talk about today though was something I've gotten to know about myself  recently. I never really realized this, but the closer you strive to be with God, the closer you see yourself in complete vulnerability and honesty.  I've been trying to move closer to Him and He's been letting me know all the thoughts in my head that have hurt my relationship with Him and all my friendships in general.

 For quite some time (starting before college), I would constantly make the joke that "I don't like people", even at the expense of saying it to some of my closest friends. They always assumed I was joking, and for a while I guess I did too. But the more I said it, the more it became a reality in my head. "Ugh, have to deal with another person today....I hate people." This pretty much became my altogether unhealthy mantra. 

...Which was probably not the best train of though to bring to college with you... But bring it I did.

But it didn't make sense because I loved the people I met, I loved the new friends I was gaining. But any time there was conflict...back I went to: "My life would be simpler if people weren't around." 

So 8 months went by...flash forward to the night I was leaving campus to go home for the summer. ('bout 2 weeks ago) A bunch of my friends from school came to say goodbye to me. And darn it all, wouldn't you know? I started sobbing as I was saying goodbye to them, because I think I had finally allowed myself to realize how important these people really were to me and I was going to miss them bunches. 

But what kept me from just acknowledging that fact in the first place? Quite a few things I think... probably a few thoughts thrown at me by the devil started it and my own emotions stirred it on.

First, I had decided that I am an introvert and introverts do not like people, therefore I could not like people.

Now, I'm actually at a point in my 18 year old life where I'm not entirely sure whether or not I'm an introvert or an extrovert. This has caused a massive mid-life crisis, but that's for another blog post. ;) But regardless, I'm still not entirely sure that I'm an introvert any more. And further more, introverts do not hate people, they just need alone time. So that was one excuse for me disliking people down the drain.

Another faulty argument of mine was that life would be easier if there were no other people. False. Because. Um. If there were no other people but me, there'd be nothing happening on Earth at all.. God put people on this earth for a reason. We need community. It may be hard to deal with people sometimes, but it'd be even harder to single-handedly fight off temptations without the love and support of our brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Finally... I think I allowed myself to believe I didn't like people because I was scared of getting hurt. If we don't like anything that likes us back, we'll be fine... right? If we never like a single human being, we'll be grand. We'll sit in our little hermitages and live solitary lives and nothing will ever hurt and everything will be just dandy. Who needs friends?!?!

What a sad little argument that my brain could come up with, but that was what I joked that I wished I could do sometimes. I didn't want to do it for any pious reason, mind you. I just... wanted to escape the world and all the hurts that people bring with them. 

But being alive means we're going to get hurt. It's a fact. Whether we're a cloistered nun or a mother of 12 we're all going to experience pain that comes because of other human beings. But you know what? That's ok. Because the pain is inevitable, yes. But do you know what else is inevitable? The joy that being with other human beings brings. The laughter that we share. The pain you can take from a friend by being there with them in times of need or when they do the same for you. The simple joys of knowing someone cares. The people who surround you who make you better people, who make you better lovers of God. 

Humans are the masterpieces of God. As much as we don't realize this, people are even more amazing than something like the seven wonders of the world could ever be. I learned 50 bajillion lessons from college this past year (academic and mostly otherwise :p). But I think one of the biggest lessons that God wanted to show me was that He made people and He made them "very good" and we are not supposed to take that for granted. Other people are not to be scoffed at or have their disappearance hoped for because they have faults. I have faults too. We're all broken. But when we're following our Creator, we can learn to see what God sees when He looks at us. He knows that we are not meant to cry out over and over again how much we dislike his beautiful creation.  He knows how much we need others in our lives, that's why they're here with us, after all--fighting the same battle, on the same side.

So to sum up this whole post... ---And for the record this is taking tons of courage to finally make this confession... ;)
 butttttt:

Dear world, 

I LIKE PEOPLE!  <3

Blessings,

~Paula(:

"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Les Mis

It never really crossed my mind that pain could be so loud. Heartache shouts in the silence. The only real way to find consolation is to look into the face of Jesus on the cross.  He did that so you could one day be free from every ounce of suffering you are going through. Do not let pain define who you are. It might change you, it might teach you, it might mold you, but it should never define who you are. If you let pain define you, the devil has won.The battle is over. Because when pain is your core, and you allow it to overcome you, your heart is locked in a neat little padlocked case. There is no love to be shared or received, which is the fullness of life. If pain defines you, you are not truly living. You must become vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis says. Your heart might be battered and bruised after a time, but there is a Master healer of hearts. Allow pain to come and go, but recognize what it is. It is a stepping stone to becoming who you are. The only real way to discover this however, is to let love be your core. Let love be your essence.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ~ C.S. Lewis

"...He learned obedience through what He suffered." Hebrews 5:8


Blessings,
~Paula

Fairy Tales

"Once upon a time..."

These words are almost as dangerous to the older female sect as they are fascinating to the younger.

When you're three, the words excite you.  You know that a story is a about to begin, and adventures are about to be revealed. You'll learn about pretty princesses in desperate situations, scary dragons to be slayed, and charming knights. These words open up a world of fantasy in your heart that lasts until the day you die. But once the age of pure imagination passes, and reality sets back in during the late teen years, all we learn to do is one of two extremes regarding fairy tales:

On the one hand, we all know those girls (and admit that we've been there too) who obsess over the "once upon a times" and "happily ever afters" that could happen in real life. It's not just a healthy wish for a happy ending, it's an all encompassing obsession that could lead to unhappiness later on down the road. It's a dream for a prince that is perfect. It's a hope for a life without any problems. It's an unrealistic set of expectations that will only bring misery.

On the other hand, there are the bitter girls who refuse to allow any sort of romantic dream seep into their lives. They think wishing for butterflies is a low only certain desperate girls could wish for. They think that if they even harbor just one though of wanting their lives to be anything like a fairy tale, then they're doomed to be trapped in a tower with an evil witch who won't ever let them out. (Figuratively of course.)

Both can be harmful. Both should be avoided. Let the fairy tales themselves be the guide. Don't make the mistake that God will send you a "perfect person" to be with. People are broken. Even the princes and knights have their issues in those fairy tales. They make mistakes. Don't ever think that life can't have magical moments in it either though. It's ok to hope for butterflies, and it's ok to hope for a "happily ever after". Just know that because this life is so darn crazy, that happily ever after probably won't come til we're standing with Jesus face to face. But that's ok too. We're going to have the dragons in this life to slay, but that charming prince? Yeah, there's just a possibility that he'll be standing there next to us helping us slay it. And that's the way real life fairy tales should work. You both working together to reach the goal. <3

Blessings,
~Paula(:

Happiness

                    It occurred to me this morning, after waking up on the wrong side of the bed, that I was not happy in the slightest.
                 
                   I'm a newly appointed member in the club of college freshman, and it has been one of the most up and down months of my entire life. I thought my moods could already change at the drop of the hat, being the emotional 18 year old girl that I am. But oh my word, I definitely had never experienced real mood swings til I stepped foot on this campus. I was absolutely ecstatic when I first got here. I was free. I was meeting kind people. I had new adventures to go on, and time to really learn how I deal with new things.  After the first crazy week of orientation though, school started. I had almost forgot college involved school. Tedious, grueling school. I'm not sure how it is at some colleges, but at mine, the workload has not let up for a second. It really set me off last week. Meltdowns were occurring left and right (for others too, not just me).  This week however, I had sort of acquired an apathetic nature toward the whole ordeal. Towards new friends, towards new interests (romantic, extracurricular, and whatever else goes on in the lives of freshies), and toward the Bs I've been getting (for a girl who's never gotten a B in a class in her life, getting Bs on all of the first few assignments has been a huge smack in the face, but I'm working on letting it be in the past.)

                       This morning when I woke though, I was a huge mess. I was grumpy. I was exhausted, and I was overwhelmed with the fact that my friendships, my grades, my crushes, my hopes, my dreams, all seemed to still be mysteries to me and I was left feeling helpless and frustrated. So all day I clammed up, not letting other people in, and certainly not listening to what other people needed. Finally my friend asked if I was alright, and I admitted that I wasn't. We were in the middle of the cafeteria though so when she asked what was wrong, I didn't feel like answering. I'm not even sure I could articulate what was wrong, because what was wrong was...well, everything.
                   Or at least, that was the thought I let myself employ in my head. But I got back to my dorm, started listening to music, worked on some school so I didn't have to feel totally unproductive, and drank coffee. Suddenly my eyes were opened. (It was either the Holy Spirit or the coffee, I'll let you be the judge.) Well, as open as they can be this side of Heaven. I've allowed the circumstances around me to dictate my mood. I've allowed them to creep into the depths of my heart and control me, instead of the other way around. I have become a slave to my situations and emotions. I haven't yet come to realize that boys who don't like me and a B on a quiz does not change the fact that I was made for a beautiful purpose. To love and be loved by God.
           This day I pray that God allows me to learn how to take the frustrating situations and annoyances of every day life, and deal with them in a healthy way. To acknowledge my weaknesses, but not indulge in them and throw a pity party. I pray that I not ignore the needs of others around me just because I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Because that is never true. Never, ever, ever. My world cannot crash down around me because Jesus is standing next to me holding it up, and holding me up too.

Happiness is found when we look towards the maker of it. So next time I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I'll kneel on the other side and pray for the strength to find the constant joy we are all called to find.*