People.

Wow... My first year at college has officially come and gone...And my, what a wild ride it has been. I don't really remember what exactly I expected from college... But I know it was everything and nothing like what I thought all at the same time. I laughed. I cried. I did smart things. I did some pretty dumb things. I learned. I wrote a few papers. I made some amazing friends. I had amazing, silly nights along with the terribly depressing nights. I learned a lot about myself, other people, and...God. I'm so grateful for everything that happened over those 8 months, as crazy of a roller coaster ride as it was, I know it was exactly what God had in mind.

What I really wanted to talk about today though was something I've gotten to know about myself  recently. I never really realized this, but the closer you strive to be with God, the closer you see yourself in complete vulnerability and honesty.  I've been trying to move closer to Him and He's been letting me know all the thoughts in my head that have hurt my relationship with Him and all my friendships in general.

 For quite some time (starting before college), I would constantly make the joke that "I don't like people", even at the expense of saying it to some of my closest friends. They always assumed I was joking, and for a while I guess I did too. But the more I said it, the more it became a reality in my head. "Ugh, have to deal with another person today....I hate people." This pretty much became my altogether unhealthy mantra. 

...Which was probably not the best train of though to bring to college with you... But bring it I did.

But it didn't make sense because I loved the people I met, I loved the new friends I was gaining. But any time there was conflict...back I went to: "My life would be simpler if people weren't around." 

So 8 months went by...flash forward to the night I was leaving campus to go home for the summer. ('bout 2 weeks ago) A bunch of my friends from school came to say goodbye to me. And darn it all, wouldn't you know? I started sobbing as I was saying goodbye to them, because I think I had finally allowed myself to realize how important these people really were to me and I was going to miss them bunches. 

But what kept me from just acknowledging that fact in the first place? Quite a few things I think... probably a few thoughts thrown at me by the devil started it and my own emotions stirred it on.

First, I had decided that I am an introvert and introverts do not like people, therefore I could not like people.

Now, I'm actually at a point in my 18 year old life where I'm not entirely sure whether or not I'm an introvert or an extrovert. This has caused a massive mid-life crisis, but that's for another blog post. ;) But regardless, I'm still not entirely sure that I'm an introvert any more. And further more, introverts do not hate people, they just need alone time. So that was one excuse for me disliking people down the drain.

Another faulty argument of mine was that life would be easier if there were no other people. False. Because. Um. If there were no other people but me, there'd be nothing happening on Earth at all.. God put people on this earth for a reason. We need community. It may be hard to deal with people sometimes, but it'd be even harder to single-handedly fight off temptations without the love and support of our brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Finally... I think I allowed myself to believe I didn't like people because I was scared of getting hurt. If we don't like anything that likes us back, we'll be fine... right? If we never like a single human being, we'll be grand. We'll sit in our little hermitages and live solitary lives and nothing will ever hurt and everything will be just dandy. Who needs friends?!?!

What a sad little argument that my brain could come up with, but that was what I joked that I wished I could do sometimes. I didn't want to do it for any pious reason, mind you. I just... wanted to escape the world and all the hurts that people bring with them. 

But being alive means we're going to get hurt. It's a fact. Whether we're a cloistered nun or a mother of 12 we're all going to experience pain that comes because of other human beings. But you know what? That's ok. Because the pain is inevitable, yes. But do you know what else is inevitable? The joy that being with other human beings brings. The laughter that we share. The pain you can take from a friend by being there with them in times of need or when they do the same for you. The simple joys of knowing someone cares. The people who surround you who make you better people, who make you better lovers of God. 

Humans are the masterpieces of God. As much as we don't realize this, people are even more amazing than something like the seven wonders of the world could ever be. I learned 50 bajillion lessons from college this past year (academic and mostly otherwise :p). But I think one of the biggest lessons that God wanted to show me was that He made people and He made them "very good" and we are not supposed to take that for granted. Other people are not to be scoffed at or have their disappearance hoped for because they have faults. I have faults too. We're all broken. But when we're following our Creator, we can learn to see what God sees when He looks at us. He knows that we are not meant to cry out over and over again how much we dislike his beautiful creation.  He knows how much we need others in our lives, that's why they're here with us, after all--fighting the same battle, on the same side.

So to sum up this whole post... ---And for the record this is taking tons of courage to finally make this confession... ;)
 butttttt:

Dear world, 

I LIKE PEOPLE!  <3

Blessings,

~Paula(:

"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Les Mis

It never really crossed my mind that pain could be so loud. Heartache shouts in the silence. The only real way to find consolation is to look into the face of Jesus on the cross.  He did that so you could one day be free from every ounce of suffering you are going through. Do not let pain define who you are. It might change you, it might teach you, it might mold you, but it should never define who you are. If you let pain define you, the devil has won.The battle is over. Because when pain is your core, and you allow it to overcome you, your heart is locked in a neat little padlocked case. There is no love to be shared or received, which is the fullness of life. If pain defines you, you are not truly living. You must become vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis says. Your heart might be battered and bruised after a time, but there is a Master healer of hearts. Allow pain to come and go, but recognize what it is. It is a stepping stone to becoming who you are. The only real way to discover this however, is to let love be your core. Let love be your essence.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ~ C.S. Lewis

"...He learned obedience through what He suffered." Hebrews 5:8


Blessings,
~Paula

Well, that's it folks.

I apologize for what is about to be a somewhat rambly post.

My first semester of college is officially over.  It really feels as if it took only a blink of an eye. But at the same time, it felt as if I had been there forever.

I'm home now. I've been home for about a week. I've seen people I hadn't seen in forever. I've seen people from school. It seems as if there are two lives that all college students live. The lives at school and the lives they live when they get back home. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It just makes it hard to explain about one life to those living the other with you. Actually, it's not just hard, it's darn near impossible. Which is frustrating when I love so many people at home and at school. But at the same time, it's kind of convenient to be able to love the school and home people differently. They are all part of my life, but different chapters in a book that is still being written.

And on that note, I would like to change part of the chapter about to be written for next semester by listing some school new year's resolutions:

-Sleep. A lot more than last semester.
-No fun is allowed until most of the school work is completed.
-Pray...a lot more.
-Start becoming a responsible adult that I will actually have to be in 3 years... (Oh gosh, don't remind me...)

ANYWAYS I really enjoy being the old kid coming home from college...and somehow, my friends and I still manage to act like middle schoolers. What can I say? College kids aren't as mature as everyone thinks. ;) But we're getting there! Hopefully.
Blessings,
Paula(:

Vivere L'amore

Vivere L’amore.

 These words are written on the inside of my forearm at the moment…in pen.  That’s as close as I’ll ever get to a real tattoo. But even though I would never allow myself to ink it permanently on the outside, I’m working on allowing it to be permanently etched on my heart. “Live love” Not just, “Live and love” But live love, make it one and the same action. Make love your whole freaking being. I’m not trying to be just your little old hippy hipster living down the street right now. I just…wish I could live up to God’s call for my life, and I have to constantly remind myself because I always fall short.

Everything we are was meant to be given to God and to others. Our joy should come from serving, and opening our hearts to help take the pain away from the suffering. We all think our lives are so horrible and God is awful, and hiding His face from us. But maybe the reason we don’t feel God’s presence when we suffer is because we are so wrapped up in ourselves that our souls have no room to allow God in.

 I know that sounds cold. I know people who suffered more than I have in my life might scoff. But in the midst of suffering, if we can look outside ourselves and offer everything we have to others who are hurting, there will be no time to focus on our hurting. The only thing we will feel is joy because we know we are helping those in desperate need. We are loving; We will be living love.

Blessings,

Vivere l’amore,

~Paula(:

Attitude is everything.

How often have we all heard that? Attitude is everything. What does that even mean?
So if I change my attitude,  I'll get an A on that Calc quiz I didn't study for? Or you'll get over that person you want to get over?

No, attitude doesn't change your situation. We all know that. What it changes is how we react to our situation. It changes how we treat the people around us. I feel like I'm the pot calling the kettle black right now though. I'm going to admit, right here on the interweb, that I am a freakin' prideful person. I never want to change my attitude about anything. If I have a test the next morning, well I'm going to fail, don't try to convince me otherwise.

Prideful and stubborn? I better get me to a nunnery. :P

But in all seriousness, God works with the nasty attitudes wonderfully. He really does. He doesn't want you to be in that frame of mind, but when you are, he molds it so that you realize how absolutely ridiculous you're being.

I'll give you a personal example of this: Today I had a Biology test, Latin quiz, and a Calculus quiz. Negative attitudes abounded last night as I attempted to study. Worries about failing out of school, and thoughts about not wanting the new day to come were very much present.

But guess what?  Today came. And.....I lived through it. Regardless of the grades I got. And now I'm at peace. I just have to learn to have that peace perpetually, instead of after a panic attack over the little things.

But hey, it's college. It's all about the lessons. So in conclusion: keep calm and carry on. ;)

Life.

It's complicated, it's dramatic, it's annoying, it's amazing, it's crazy.
Why do we put up with all of it?
Because nothing is quite so wonderful.
Even with all the pain and the hurting and the frustration, it's a beautiful thing just to be alive.

Make sure you don't live it in the "yolo" way though. Don't do idiotic things because you only live once. That makes absolutely no sense. Instead, do beautiful things, do genius things, do creative things, do silly things, do things for other people and forget about yourself. Make the most of everything you have because God gave us every second of every day. It's all a gift: not just the interesting moments, or the deep moments, or the super exciting moments. God is in the small daily tasks, the smile you get from a stranger, and the painful moment when you realize you have to stay up til 3am to finish a biology lab report.

Stop worrying about the boring days. Stop worrying about the grades. Stop worrying about stupid boys. Just trust that God gave you life on this beautiful planet for a reason. He wants you to find the truth in every moment, and live it for Him for always. <3

Fairy Tales

"Once upon a time..."

These words are almost as dangerous to the older female sect as they are fascinating to the younger.

When you're three, the words excite you.  You know that a story is a about to begin, and adventures are about to be revealed. You'll learn about pretty princesses in desperate situations, scary dragons to be slayed, and charming knights. These words open up a world of fantasy in your heart that lasts until the day you die. But once the age of pure imagination passes, and reality sets back in during the late teen years, all we learn to do is one of two extremes regarding fairy tales:

On the one hand, we all know those girls (and admit that we've been there too) who obsess over the "once upon a times" and "happily ever afters" that could happen in real life. It's not just a healthy wish for a happy ending, it's an all encompassing obsession that could lead to unhappiness later on down the road. It's a dream for a prince that is perfect. It's a hope for a life without any problems. It's an unrealistic set of expectations that will only bring misery.

On the other hand, there are the bitter girls who refuse to allow any sort of romantic dream seep into their lives. They think wishing for butterflies is a low only certain desperate girls could wish for. They think that if they even harbor just one though of wanting their lives to be anything like a fairy tale, then they're doomed to be trapped in a tower with an evil witch who won't ever let them out. (Figuratively of course.)

Both can be harmful. Both should be avoided. Let the fairy tales themselves be the guide. Don't make the mistake that God will send you a "perfect person" to be with. People are broken. Even the princes and knights have their issues in those fairy tales. They make mistakes. Don't ever think that life can't have magical moments in it either though. It's ok to hope for butterflies, and it's ok to hope for a "happily ever after". Just know that because this life is so darn crazy, that happily ever after probably won't come til we're standing with Jesus face to face. But that's ok too. We're going to have the dragons in this life to slay, but that charming prince? Yeah, there's just a possibility that he'll be standing there next to us helping us slay it. And that's the way real life fairy tales should work. You both working together to reach the goal. <3

Blessings,
~Paula(: